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Last updated Devember 9th, 2017

Ball Bearings
December 15th, 2017

CN: Body Talk
November 19th, 2017

Job Hunting Skills
November 13th, 2017

Feeling free
October 31st, 2017

Ball Bearings
December 15th, 2017

Dedicated to the friend who inspired this comment I felt important enough to share:

Everything we do, everything we think, carves grooves in our mind. Little ball bearings go down those grooves and those lead to more thoughts, more actions. The more any of these are repeated the deeper the groove becomes.

The longer anything lasts, any condition, the more those ball bearings rattle down. But brain plasticity is a thing. Because it can be carved into like dough, it means we can change those grooves.

But those ball bearings love those grooves, those familiar thoughts. They are comfortable even if they are dark. As you work to deliberately create new grooves, they will try to skip over to the familiar ones. And frequently at first they will succeed. But they do eventually lose.

As a side note. In case this is related. I was thinking lately about the number of times I've fallen on my face. And I know how it feels to give up, because you always fall on your face. So why bother. You will be back there again anyway.

It resulted in isolation and an almost entire disconnect from the world. It lead to such darkness my greatest tormentors are things that were never actually "real". I'm not kidding when I say I've seen hell. And I've stared at a bottle of pills I know will kill me and considered what it would do to my family.

And I wondered why they even wanted me alive.

That's bottom.

Having gotten up again, fallen, gotten up, fallen, gotten up, fallen, gotten up, fallen, no really this will exist in perpetuity for me; I can tell you, each time you get a little further.

Every time you fall it hurts, sometimes more, sometimes less. But every time you get back up again and you try again you feel like a god damn super hero.

And sometimes we wish someone would recognize this. We want someone to witness our constant work to get up and do it again, knowing we will fall on our faces. But we do. And you are a super hero.

And you are one of my super heroes. Not because you win, but because you try.


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CN: Body Talk
November 19th, 2017

I have body image issues. I have since I was 118 lbs till I was 213, and all the times I've gone up and down. I could never be skinny enough.

Because that's not my fucking body type.

I would love to go back to 13 year old me and explain that just because my body had turned full womanhood, (I had an adult body) there was nothing wrong with my looks. I wasn't overweight - how could I be when I swam for two hours every day, and walked home afterwards? I roller bladed up super steep hills; I biked for miles. I didn't do it to change my body; I did it for the fun. But surely my dear you can see your body does amazing things, don't step on the scales again, it won't reflect you.

Privately I was an athlete. But my body doesn't look like an athlete even if I am one. I have a heavy, thick bone structure and massive muscles. And then no matter what, a soft layer of fat to smooth out the edges. Muscle weighs a tonne, so the scales were my enemy and I never looked in the mirror long enough to like what I saw. Unless I was staring in disappointment.

I thought I was fat (none of my peers looked like me) and many small breasted women called me fat. Magazines told me thigh gap or your pudgy. Messages from all the advertising bombarding me called me a fat girl and that was a bad thing.

But the guys? I got a lot of attention, some wanted, some not. I did not understand back then how much pain puberty is for teenage men. So now I kind of get why I was stared at a lot.

I dearly wished to be invisible, and at the same time I was absorbing the criticism. I was fat. I had soft curves. My only saving grace was an hour glass, so I wore clothes that showed it off. Again, not realizing that too would bring more attention.

(No this is not the story of how hot I was; this actually sucked)

Oh how I wanted to be invisible, and thanks to medication I felt I became invisible. I gained 73 lbs. And if I hated the mirror back then, this was abhorrent.

But I started to read about body positivisty. I read about people like me with body image issues. I noticed that I loved pictures of hot fat women (I hear we're reclaiming the word fat, I'm down with that). I knew so many gloriously hot women that society considered over weight. But for myself, I was an ugly, unattractive mess.

So I worked on it, I took selfies and went through so many shots till I found the least ugly one. Today is the first day I did one I like even if I do look like a school head mistress.

That didn't work. But taking care of myself worked. A little.

But what's really working is getting in my undies, looking at the mirror, and striking a pose from one of those famous classical paintings. And then I feel how hot I am. I am a goddess.

You can do this even if you want to be a smaller goddess. You can love your body now and still love how it changes for you. Don't get frustrated if it is slow, look in the mirror, you're still a what? A goddess.

This wedding photo shows you how large I am. But that day I felt like a goddess. And I hadn't even started my mirror routine.

Love your body, because it looks after you.

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Job hunting skills
November 13th, 2017

I picked up a lot of tricks to get my millions of jobs. I read articles, I tried my own thing. And it all boils down to this:

Have multiple tailored resumes. Each one should have a focus on the type of job you are applying for.

Write a brand new cover letter for every job you apply for. Include how your skill set applies to the very qualities they are seeking but be subtle about it. I know it's a bitch but it gets you that interview. It only needs to be three decent paragraphs long.

When you score the interview: Research the institution and what your job will be like if it's something new. Mention nice observations about the institution. Show that you've really considered them.

You just want a job, they want a fit. That means you have to convince the hiring individual you care about the institution, them and whatever team you would be put on. So show it.

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Feeling Free
October 31st, 2017

I'd like to express what clearly seems to be an unpopular opinion but one worth paying attention to.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Many of us pick up labels along the way. Some of mine are Bipolar I, ADD, Linear Processing Deficit (Nonlinear thinker), Dyslexia, Pan-Demi-Sexual.

I've got some less controversial ones. Wife, Writer, Sensitive, Kind, Caring.

I've also got bitter, dark and cold.

There may be something that other people find wrong with you. Fuck them. Fuck them all.

You may find something wrong with you. Stop doing that. Whatever your disability, it also pushes you forward in directions others can't or are too scared to go.

I believe our emotions are like colours in the rainbow and we get to experience our dark ones as much as we like. We get to be angry. We get to be afraid. These are our feelings and there is nothing wrong with them. They are all beautiful.

Stop running from your fear and embrace it, use it. Learn what you should actually fear. It's a useful tool.

And if, like myself today, it is not fear but anxiety. So what? You get to be anxious. If it's too much there's medication in loads to help with anxiety. Therapy, coping skills, all useful, but our anxiety is still ours. We get to be anxious.

I will no longer be diagnosed as a problem.

I get to have my agoraphobia. It's October, this is its natural time.

I'm struggling and fighting because I'm going to have to go out soon. My chest is tightening and I feel shivers. No freeway driving, just a few blocks. I'm going to need medication soon. So what? There is nothing wrong with me for feeling the way I do. These are my feelings and I get to have them.


There is nothing wrong with you.

Extra Note: You get to feel your anger, you don't (always) get to be an asshole about it. Being free to have negative emotions doesn't mean we don't have social responsibility to contain them. Also if you have too much of one of them, get therapy. It helps.

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Last updated December 15th, 2017

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