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Context Part One: Joshua

August 29th, 2018

Out of context, my last stigma post seems strange. How did this one individual gain so much power to drive me so mad, to needle me so deeply, to truly infect my everything so badly even cognition was suppressed.

It’s going to take three blog posts to explain. Because, you need some history. Hang with me.

First, my family does mental health and has done for decades. We live and breathe it. We know the terminology and use it. We accept the quirks and pain that comes from living with illness in multiple members. We forgive, we accept, we do not let certain wounds bother us for they are all beyond control. We are tolerant.

In 2004 I started getting involved with Joshua. Name not changed, there is no innocence. I also started treatment for Bipolar I and slowly my cognition crashed. The more of my mind I lost, the deeper into Joshua’s clutches I sank.

It seemed fine at first, we fought. He was ignorant. But I was tolerant. He was the most intelligent moron I’d ever encountered. Smart enough to program, stupid at life. unfortunately, it turned out he was also smart enough at evil. Too self-centered to care.

I didn’t notice at first. Because of my first main weakness. Touch will override my mind. And his was sensual, too deep, too intimate, it was like being loved on a new level.

At a healthy weight and as an athlete I was too fat from him, and because I had body dysmorphia I believed him. This body will always have curves and thigh gap is usually unhealthy. But I did not appreciate what I had then.

And despite his demands I be thinner, he wanted to kiss and touch me, and was jealous of any other man. He didn’t want me, but no one else could have me either.

He, a homeschooled programmer without a degree in anything, thought he could help better with my illness. You can learn and go far on test results and self study. But Pyschiatry isn't one of them. He was angry with my decision to take medication. He was angry with many of my choices.

I was ensnared with a narcissistic sociopath who was very deliberately emotionally, and sexually abusive. Oh, he didn’t want regular sex. Nothing that would really please me. But he wanted it other ways. He was a predator and he groomed me. He isolated me. He kept my self-esteem low even when shreds started to remerge.

And with a downed cognition I didn’t even know I was trapped.

But I am a fighter. I finally escaped. I moved miles away, and he moved across the street. So, it took a little longer. But I moved again. I escaped in 2007 and moved yet again. This time out of state.

That was the abuse I suffered that was deliberate. That was planned and executed by someone who believed in changing others to suit their needs. I heard nothing but complaints from this seeming of a human being.

That was Joshua.

The story is different with my spouse. Soon to be ex-wife. They are genderqueer and the first in San Mateo to be non-binary. I wanted to be the groom, but it was gendered. So, they had to call Sacramento because Vincent (Name changed) did not want to be listed as male, for good reasons. So, they were allowed to pick, and we are wives.

I tell you about them in the next post.

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