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When I dominated Rage.

August 17th, 2017

I am in pain, but doing better now. I have a few new pieces of poetry and other writings about mental illness, and I think this one might be good for others.

Because when pure logic failed, I tried emotion.

Neither of these were helpful. Truly nothing could, but leaving entirely. And I have done that.

Written: March 25, 2018 12:27am

When I Dominated Rage

I need to remember this night clearly.

I must memorize the feeling that took me when they, arguing with a puzzle box, chose to say “I do not think you realize how destructive you..." It could have been "are being”, it could have been "your state is being”.

It didn’t matter.

The point of my earlier tears was lost. How could they be so blind, how could they not recognize, when film had just shown the truth of mental illness? I had sobbed, "they told my story.”

But when old feelings rose, as they are wont to do in the unstable, an argument came - caused by one so close before, but not quite actually the same.

When words spoken by my loquacious partner jumbled in my mind, I warned them:

I am a puzzle box. You can not argue with me.
Nothing makes sense. Don’t argue with me.
I am a puzzle box.
I am a puzzle box.

Impassioned, I tried to make them understand. And yet, though I pleaded and warned, they baited the bear - a mind that had become quick to anger. A mind that had been sharp in tongue and always followed by apologies, a mind that had yet to land one side of mania or not - we did not know upon which land we trod.

And yet, to the cry of a puzzle box, they said: “I do not think you realize how destructive you..."

So here I sit with my anger, alone and half lit, deciding if I prefer the darkness or if it would be too dangerous to turn off the light.

And what inside me would wake if I sat here drowning in gloom and fury? No... better half lit, then not lit at all.

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